My Grace Story

I was not yet a teenager before I experienced both brokenness and holiness. I remember being a rambunctious kid with a lot of energy and curiosity. I remember being the kid that my friend's parents would like, you know, the kid that all the parents say nice things about. I remember taking a reserved, but welcoming pride in that. Shortly before becoming a teenager I had that first experience of brokenness and holiness. During a youth camp in Tennessee I was in an auditorium when it became very clear to me that there was something much bigger going on in the world than my own life. That this God of the Holy Bible that I had learned about my whole life was actually very real and relevant. There were some girls crying in the seats in front of me over what I think were deep family wounds or troubles. I began to think about what saddened me in the experiences of brokenness in my own my family and circle of friends. Looking back I believe it was the first time I had a "spiritual moment" because my physical, mental, and emotional state were are all impacted. The weight of life was feeling quite heavy, and I sensed God had the power to lift that dead weight. I got home from the trip, told my parents it was awesome and that I wanted to go to my friends Matt and Mike. When I arrived at Matt’s house I ran downstairs where my two best friends were playing video games. I told them everything I had learned and experienced at camp. I told them with pure joy. It was the first time I went into Matt’s basement and didn't pick up a video game controller. In the next couple of years I publicly proclaimed my faith in Jesus Christ as my Savior and was baptized in front of the church. However, in the wake of life’s ups and downs I wrestled with the faith God had given me. I went through long bouts of depression and anxiety. Later in college I explored excessive drinking, drugs, pornography and fornication. I would be continuously shaken by conviction, but I justified my behavior with twisted excuses. Being away from home at school in Buffalo I could leave accountability behind. I was separated from fellowship in the church I grew up in and I gave little effort to find a new church to call home. The only accountability came from phone calls with my father and some times I was high on drugs during those conversations. I felt the Holy Spirit convicting me and my defense was panic, running towards all that lust and human desire had to offer. The idol I was worshipping was my own pride. It was all about pleasuring myself with instant gratification, even at the expense of the relationships with those I loved, including my relationship with God. In this time of despair I heard from two people in different areas of my life that told me about the same church. When I finally attended a Sunday gathering with Restoration Church, Jesus became the focus in my journey once again. I kept praying "I don’t deserve you, Jesus, I have messed up my life so much. I’ve wasted the money you gave my parents to provide for me, I’ve wasted the faith they passed down to me, I can’t make it a week without succumbing to temptation, I’ve denied your longing for me, and I’ve ran from conviction." I started repenting, asking God for forgiveness, but I was still having difficulty forgiving myself. I wanted to change and leave all my sin behind, but I kept falling into temptation. My efforts to justify my righteousness failed.

Slowly, peace crawled into my life through prayer, worship, relationship with other believers and the preaching of God's Word. I began reading scripture again and took every opportunity I had to be in fellowship with the church. Once again I believed “Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; blessed is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin.” Romans 4:7-8 (Psalms 32:1-2)

Now, when I have conviction from past or recent sin and I’m experiencing a strong stirring in my spirit, I know there is brokenness in a relationship with God, a friend, family member, or my fiancé. I know it’s the Holy Spirit in me, making it known it is time for reconciliation through forgiveness and Jesus becomes the only way for healing to occur. A few months ago I told my fiancé some things I had never told her before. Stuff from before and during our relationship, heavy stuff, stuff that even feels filthy coming out of my mouth. Stuff that you don’t want to tell someone you love because you know that telling her will hurt her and you don’t want her to ever feel the pain you’ve caused. When I told her these things, she cried, but with tears in her eyes, she said, "I don’t know why you’ve waited this long to tell me these things, but I forgive you and I love you even more." I thought "Are you kidding me?" Without Jesus, this was NOT possible. I deserve to be punished, not given grace! Yet Jesus tells me He is the only way to reconciliation and forgiveness of my sins, and because of Him, I can move forward, I live, free of guilt, free of the pain and agony these acts of selfishness have caused and burdened my heart with. Free to love my fiancé without having this never-ending guilt in my mind that I don’t deserve the chance to love her and to be loved by her. I couldn’t justify the grace I was receiving without Jesus. He is the reason my fiancé loves me more. The power of Jesus is overwhelming. When I talk to co-workers, friends, and family about their troubles, or I hear their heartache through their stories I have a burden to show them the love God showed me through His Son. I think about Jesus's obedience to willingly die on the cross for the mess I created, for my sins and all those who believe in His perfect sacrifice. I want to give people trapped in depression, loneliness and despair the hope that the dead weight of life was overcome by Jesus's perfect life, sacrifice, and resurrection. So in opportunities to share my story with others I am thankful. Thankful to share hope, thankful to share the love I received. The joy of serving and loving others has become real in knowing I’m not doing it for myself, or for my own gain. I know what serving myself leads to and it’s a dark place, absent of love. I also know in following Jesus I get to experience remarkable mercy and grace, every day, despite how much of a wreck I think I am. God’s love is overflowing and the grace is available to anyone, so I want to share it because Jesus provides the most hope imaginable.